 The first day of our Restless walk has taken us from Starcross to Torquay. For various reasons the predicted 13 mile walk became 18 rainy miles (oof) and my phone tells me we’ve climbed over 2000 feet - the height at which a hill becomes a mountain. There’s something fitting about that. Our theme this walk is moving out of isolation and into nurturing connection, community and belonging, something we can all resonate with after the last year. And as survivors - boy do we have a mountain to climb. Many adult child sex abuse survivors remain very isolated, unable to share their experiences even with their nearest and dearest. The stats speak for themselves - there’s 11 million of us in the UK but we don’t have the community, visibility or collective voice that you’d expect a marginalised population of such a vast size to have. Gaining that collective voice is vital if we want to shake things up culturally and change the barriers many of us face accessing support, education, healthcare and well….. EVERYTHING.
In June we’re coming back to Devon to do some participatory creative walking events for survivors so we’re meeting local organisations to help us connect with different groups who may like to join us. Today we started our walk with Tom from Active Devon and later met Mair from Doorstep Arts. They both joined in with our #MyLineInTheSand campaign - survivors and allies sharing words of connection and community to help draw a line under the silencing of survivors. Tom’s words were “Movement is Medicine” which resonated a lot with the choice we’re making this week to walk and walk and walk some more. It's Mental Health Awareness Week and yes being active and out in nature definitely supports my wellbeing but even more than that, being part of a movement to make change is great medicine for me. Mair’s word surprised even her - she chose the word “Fleet” and shared the image of different ships coming together on a mission, sharing direction, purpose and momentum, having each other’s backs. Please share your words too using the hashtag #MyLineInTheSand - let’s build this much needed community together whether we’re a survivor, know and love a survivor or just a nice person who wants to see change. You can write on anything - get your crayons/fridge magnets/embroidery out friends. So my feet hurt, I’m in quite a strange B&B (there’s a shower next to my bed in the actual room???), I’m tucking in to a beer and some chocolate, there are clothes drying everywhere and I’ve climbed a mountain today. I think it’s nearly time for bed zzzz Previous Restless walks have taken place along the Dorset & Somerset coast in 2018 & 2020 and we even released a song (She walks...) in November during lockdown last year. You can find out more about the project here: https://www.vivgordon.com/restless And you can financially support the project and the work we do here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/vivgordonco
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I didn’t remember being abused until I was 29. At that time CSA was still incredibly taboo - I’d only ever heard 3 people talk about their experiences and it still felt like a big dirty secret. Even though abuse is never a child’s fault, we internalise the stigma, shame and guilt and go through life thinking there must be something wrong with us. A belief that is compounded by the mental health system that pathologises our distress and labels us as disordered.
The narratives around the experience are unhelpful - that it was a long time ago, that we should move on and get over it - all survivors know that we live with the impacts of abuse everyday. The icing on the cake is that most of us have no recourse to justice - there is no evidence to take anyone to court and even when there is, convictions are very rare. I spent a lot of time in therapy (I still do) unpicking what happened to me and how that has affected me, working out that none of it was my fault, forgiving myself for all the chaos I created as a young adult and recognising that all the things I thought were wrong with me, were just very normal responses to trauma. #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek #MHAWAlternativeMessage I became a childhood sexual abuse survivor ally by chance. Years ago, my friend and colleague, Viv Gordon, asked me to come and work on a show with her. We met in the courtyard at The British Library, she came across as intelligent, funny and a little intense. The project was a cartoonish, outdoor event. It was fun and silly, and to some extent it was just another job. At the end of those few days working in Somerset we chatted in the car on the way to the station about future projects.
Jump forward a few years and Viv’s on the phone asking if I remembered her telling me about a show she wanted to make called ‘I Am Joan’, her first attempt at making an autobiographical work about childhood sexual abuse, and I said “yeah, kind of”. I hadn’t and I should have. It was to be ground-breaking, shocking and seismic. I remember watching a series of scenes she had prepared, gripping my seat with anxiety about what she was about to reveal. What was I about to witness? I didn’t want to see it, I wanted to look away, I wanted to run away. She performed the words and the dances with a simplicity and charm that is the hallmark of what she is capable of as a performer and I found myself being able to look at the subject and its terrible consequences. Those early sessions were tough. Everyone was struggling to be at their best. We didn’t have the mental health safeguarding in place that would make the processes we were using possible for all of us. A breakthrough came when Viv explained that she knew none of us want to watch this material, its societal, no one wants to focus on it, we can’t bear to, it’s too horrific. Viv has an extraordinary knack of talking about childhood sexual abuse. She makes the subject acceptable, dragging it out of the shadows and into the light. She holds her audience as she takes them through the experience of watching the shows. Making allies of all of us. Viv trusts the material of the shows with a group of collaborators and I’m honoured to be part of that team. I don’t have a sexual abuse background so I’m an outsider. I need to remind myself to keep my judgements and my privilege in check. These aren’t my stories, these are the stories of some of the most difficult, harmful moments in people’s lives. I don’t take that lightly. I strive to listen with clarity and to treat the material with as much sensitivity as possible. I don’t always get that right, but together we learn and like any creative partnership trust grows over time. Ultimately our desire is that a survivor takes the reins of these projects but for now I’m grateful to be part of a team that brings these works into the world. Being in the audience at Viv’s performances is the most humbling experience. Her audience are made up of survivors, activists and theatre enthusiasts. People with a willingness to listen and engage. I’m aware of how difficult it is to attend one of the shows, whether you are a survivor or not. The events sometimes become like rallies, a valuable time for survivors to connect in an abuse culture where connection is denied. The aftershow Q and A’s are a time for people to add theirs to the growing chorus of voices refusing to be silenced. A time for me to shut up, listen and take inspiration for the work ahead. And so now I’m gradually learning to be a survivor ally. Trying to find the moments where my voice can be useful and when to stay quiet. One thing I know is that nobody wants to talk about abuse, why should we, even Viv doesn’t want to talk about it, but I also know that abuse thrives in a vacuum of silence. So, it is now my job too, dragging the subject into the conversation, with friends, with family, with colleagues and in my work (The shows I make myself now often have an acknowledgement of survivors). I will not always get it right, the Christmas dinner table is not the time to bring up child abuse - even if someone asks “how work is going?” But other times are, and my social circle now understand what I do at work and together we share the weight of that knowledge. Gradually they become part of the group of people that understands the scale and impact of the problem. Every time Viv and I work together I am reminded of the seat gripping anxiety I felt when I first saw the material she makes. Our audiences experience that anxiety when they attend the shows and that’s often in my mind. How can the shows talk directly and usefully about the subject of CSA? How can we find the balance of presenting an unflinching version of the truth, whilst keeping our audience safe from material that could be triggering and harmful? And ultimately, how can we make the world a better place for survivors and a place where abuse is less likely to happen? If Viv keeps trying to answer those questions in the form of her extraordinary arts projects, she may not find perfect answers, but she will create more and more allies along the way. I’m proud to name myself as one of them, and if you aren’t already, perhaps you could become one too?
No More Secrets - Challenging the silence around CSA
In the third podcast episode in this series of Survivor Conversations, Viv and Emma talk about all the great things that can happen when Survivors able to talk openly about our lived experiences. They discuss how it feels, to tell the truth and leave silence and shame behind. We all have secrets sometimes; there are the good ones we can’t wait to reveal, and then there are the bad ones when being found out is what we’re most afraid of. Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse means that we’re conditioned from a very early age to keep the abuse secret - sometimes because we’re told to, sometimes because we’re ashamed of it, and often because it feels like the things that happened to us were somehow our fault. Survivor Conversations is a podcast for hopeful, honest and purposeful conversations about surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse hosted by us. We intend to use the podcast to continue campaigning for voice, visibility and community for survivors, and each episode will feature survivor artists and activists discussing issues that matter to us including creativity, social justice and change. You can find the third episode above, by following this link, or on other sites like: Spotify, Breaker, Pocket Casts etc. Find out more about Restless and our new digital artwork She walks... here. 
Be one of the first to hear and see our brand new track and animation She walks...
The launch will be taking place on Wednesday 25th November between 8pm - 9pm. We will be streaming live to YouTube where you can join the creative team, watch She walks... and ask us any questions you may have about the work. How do I watch? You can find the scheduled live YouTube video down below. Click 'get reminder' on the video if you're viewing this page in advance. Or watch it down below if you're arriving after the event. Watch directly on YouTube to see the live comments and ask us any questions you may have. Click play on the below video, or click here. View our YouTube channel here. How do I submit a question? You can submit a question in advance by filling in this form. Or you can ask them live via the 'comments' section on YouTube.
Trauma responses are normal responses - Challenging the silence around CSA
In the second podcast episode in this series of Survivor Conversations, Viv and Emma talk about some of the common challenges faced by survivors of CSA. Together they chat about trauma responses, trauma and memory. Survivor Conversations is a podcast for hopeful, honest and purposeful conversations about surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse hosted by us. We intend to use the podcast to continue campaigning for voice, visibility and community for survivors, and each episode will feature survivor artists and activists discussing issues that matter to us including creativity, social justice and change. You can find the second episode above, by following this link, or on other sites like: Spotify, Breaker, Pocket Casts etc. Find out more about Restless and the launch of new digital artwork She walks... here.  She walks… has been developed with some incredible collaborators. We used a poem I had written as our starting point - Rapper JPDL and I co-wrote the lyrics which are spoken, sung (more on that here) and rapped. Experimental composer Quinta (part of Collectress) wrote the music. Award winning animator, Lou Sumray created hand drawn charcoal images - incredibly she uses 24 drawings per second.
The result is something authentic, beautiful and haunting - the music has a trip hop feel and the animation connects us to nature with its organic aesthetic. The temptation with work about abuse is to tidy it all up and make it more palatable - there’s a raw chaos to She walks... that chimes with the experiences and fragmentation that survivors share - it's untamed and all the more alive for it. We hope that survivor audiences will connect with the story and see something of themselves in it - the lyrics talk about the experience of dissociation, feeling like our bodies are far away or numbed, as well as the drive to keep going and the belief that something better is possible. We want to share hope but more than that we want to reach out to other survivors and say “What you feel is real, is normal in the context of trauma, there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re miraculous, you don’t need to hide away, your voice matters” The work is not just for survivors though - it's for everyone - we all have difficult times and right now the pandemic is making life really tough for so many - one of the things we have in common is the ability to connect with nature and find solace and inspiration there - even if it's looking out of the window at the birds or feeling the rain on our faces while we queue for supplies! Get involved in the #MyLineInTheSand campaign and register yourself as coming to our launch event via our Restless project page here.
I campaign for access and inclusion in the arts for artists and audiences with mental health needs -
I speak at conferences and events, as well as offer training and consultancy with individuals and organisations. Previously, I was an Agent for Change with Salisbury International Arts Festival (2017) and have led work with marginalised adults and families since 2003 as Artistic Director of Mean Feet Dance.
She works to present musical material in visually imaginative ways, using movement, dance, light, and homemade instruments and sample sets. Working across a number of fields including dance, circus, theatre and film, she performs with a variety of bands and has a richly diverse biography of collaborations, including with all-female arts collective, Collectress.
Recently she has discovered making stop motion animations using charcoal drawing. As a member of 154collective theatre her first charcoal drawn animation Follow me was made for the show “Under The Bed” in 2015. Follow Me won 1st prize at Bradford Open Art Exhibition 2017.
Introducing the Creative Team by video
We've just started the Survivor Conversations podcast!
It's a podcast for hopeful, honest and purposeful conversations about surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse hosted by us. We intend to use the podcast to continue campaigning for voice, visibility and community for survivors, and each episode will feature survivor artists and activists discussing issues that matter to us including creativity, social justice and change. We've planned out 3 episodes for you and they're just 15 minutes long each. You can find the first episode above, by following this link, or on other sites like: Spotify, Breaker, Pocket Casts etc. Over the 3 episodes we will be talking about what it's like to be a survivor and why it's important to share survivor experiences and break the taboo. We will be referencing our most recent project Restless and She walks... and speaking about the use of creativity to enable challenging conversations. Where do we start? How do we talk about CSA? What can we do if someone wants to talk to us about their own experiences? Voice 1: Emma Bryson, survivor-activist and campaigner for Survivor rights and interests Voice 2: Viv Gordon, theatre-maker, arts/mental health campaigner & survivor-activist whose work is intended to increase the voice and visibility of survivors of CSA. Find out more about Restless and the launch of new digital artwork She walks... here.  She walks… is a digital artwork combining music, song, spoken word, rap and hand drawn animations. It is the first part of a wider project called Restless that uses imagery from walking in coastal landscapes to talk about the experience of living as a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse - ideas of being isolated and exposed, of navigating challenging territory and occupying marginal, liminal spaces. The central metaphor running through the project is the restless sea, slowly and insistently changing the landscape - just as activism changes culture through continuous collective action. She walks… sits at the mid point of the larger work - the character has survived and despite an inner fragmentation and experiences of dissociation, she is instinctively propelled forward.
The track ends with the idea that change is possible - it is a turning point. It's not that everything gets better from there on - I don’t really believe in recovery as such - I think we learn to live with what happens to us and reclaim some of what we’ve lost - trust, connection, hope… I will never not have been abused, I will never not be a survivor - it's not something that happened years ago and is now over - I live with the impact of it everyday - lots of us don’t survive and I am acutely aware of that. Walking has been a massive part of my journey - I’m making up for lost time - I had a developmental delay when I was little because of the trauma - so walking is a victory. It's what I do to feel good, to find solace, to stay connected with my body, to work things out when my brain is in chaos and to write. The Restless project draws on a long tradition of artists and activists walking to create change - what do we do when we’ve had enough? We march. She walks… is based on a poem I wrote after walking a 110 mile stretch the South West Coast Path, inspired specifically by the landscape around Portland in Dorset which is rich in contradictions - at once beautiful, wild and ancient and deeply scarred with quarrying, a Ministry of Defence site surrounded by razor wire and a high walled prison. The resonance for me is the impact of abusive, defensive or controlling patriarchal structures set against the wonder and resilience of the natural world. Come along to our launch event on Wednesday 25th November at 8pm: https://bit.ly/she-walks-launch Follow the event on Facebook: https://fb.me/e/b9km6BIdH |
welcome to my blogI'll be posting my personal reflections on creating work as an artist and survivor of childhood sexual abuse, my work with the wider sector and interesting developments in arts and mental health. Categories
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