Today has been intense in a good way - we’ve walked from just outside Torcross to Salcombe - another 17½ miles and a mountain’s worth of ascent. We had to get a wiggle on as the Salcombe Ferry stops at 6pm. After that you have to get a bus or taxi round the estuary - a 15 mile trip instead of 2 minutes on the ferry.
The scenery today around Start Point and Prawle Point is wild, hilly and craggy - the coastline is a series of delicious themed names - Pig’s Nose, Ham Stone, Gammon Head or Grant’s Rock, Meg Rock and Abraham’s Hole. I love words and how they link with place and stories. Anyway, I’m determined this week to not get in a car unless I have to and this is not a matter of pride or some sort of athletic prowess - it’s because walking works for me as a way of creating and specifically to write. Neuroscientists amongst you will know there is something about the left right left cross body action of walking that enables new ways of thinking - it brings together the left and right brain hemispheres to make the most of both. As the days go on I can feel myself sinking into a different space where the things that preoccupy my mind on a day to day are falling away and a different sort of embodiment and mindset are taking shape. It would be horribly pretentious to say walking is my muse, or the coastline is my muse or whatever but it is something like that in a less pompous and more sweaty way that involves having lots of blisters… My brain is still obsessed with the Devonian placoderm fish and that is what I have been “writing” about today. I say that in inverted commas because I rarely get a notebook out on the walks, I amble or stomp along pondering prehistoric fish and abuse survival and little fragments of ideas form in my head, then I voice record them in my phone and let my mind amble some more. Now I’m tucked up in bed I’ll transcribe my rambling thoughts and hopefully they will start to formulate into a new poem or song. I have to tell myself there is no right way of doing this otherwise I would talk myself out of this weird and beautiful unfolding process I am immersed in. It makes sense to me that my body needs to be involved to get the words out - I see a lot of my work as being about my body telling its stories and my brain mainly needs to get out of the way. If left to its own devices my brain would find a million reasons not to do this - it might upset people, I have been conditioned not to tell and my brain loves distraction (wine, fags, masterchef, facebook etc). My body is where the abuse happened, it is where survival happens and now it is where the activism needs to happen too. You can find out more about Restless here: https://www.vivgordon.com/restless And you can financially support the project and the work we do here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/vivgordonco
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I’ve found myself extraordinarily moved today - I’ve had quite a few little cries and feel a bit blown away. It's been a gentler day - only 15 miles and ¾ of a mountain... I started the day reading about the geology of this area. The rock here is a combination of slate, red sandstone and limestone from the Devonian era - a global geological period (so called because they were first studied in Devon) and the oldest rocks in the county dating from around 400 million years ago. I won’t try to explain it - I’m not a scientist and you can google it - but the thing that has stirred me is the fish skeletons that are found within these rocks that show the development of the first ever jaws. Let me explain.
This walk and the whole Restless project, like all of my work, is about nurturing voice, visibility and community for and with survivors of child sex abuse. One of the things I am doing as I walk is writing songs and poems, talking about my journey as a survivor, drawing on imagery and metaphors from coastal landscapes. Abuse took my voice away and I’m still in the process of finding it. One thing that preoccupies me is the fact that because abuse survival is still so taboo, culturally we don’t really have accessible ways to talk about it. The project is about finding the words and finding a poetic language to express my experiences in the hope that contributes to opening up a new cultural fluency that is desperately needed, if we are to become empowered as a community and make change. Particularly I have a debilitating fear of singing, I was late developing speech (because of early trauma), when I did I had speech impediments, I was bullied at school because my voice was nasal (because I couldn’t breathe freely due to trauma) and had various other restrictions and rejections around my voice. This project is about reclaiming my voice, letting it out, letting it be whatever it authentically wants to be. That is part of my activism. So today discovering that some strange twist of fate has brought me to a place known all over the world for these little fishes who had evolved jaws - without which there would be no speech and no song. That those fishes have been hidden for millennia - that has moved me to tears - the rightness of it all. I’m welling up as I write this and now I want to know everything there is to know about jaws - do I know any jaw experts? I may become a jaw bore - a mandible nerd - a maxilla geek… Oh it’s started - I’m just gonna go with it… You can find out more about Restless here: https://www.vivgordon.com/restless And you can financially support the project and the work we do here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/vivgordonco Today has been another full-on day’s walking - 19 miles and another mountain climbed - through some of the most beautiful wild places between Brixham and Dartmouth ending with a sweet ferry across the Dart estuary. It was so hilly - I nearly cried when I reached the last climb - it's only just sinking in that this is an endurance challenge and people train for stuff like this - whereas I’ve been sitting in zoom meetings and smoking too many fags - eek.
My friend and Viv Gordon Company campaign lead Emma Bryson (an amazing survivor activist in her own right and co-founder of Speak Out Survivors) messaged me to say that being a survivor is all the endurance training you could possibly need and she’s right. That was in my thoughts as I struggled up the steep slopes - it's nothing really in comparison to the years of struggle. People underestimate us - surviving trauma takes skill - we’re a creative, intelligent and resourceful bunch of people. That’s why we should be put in charge of everything - ha! The day has been joyful too - I met up with Dave Parsons and Kristian Tomblin who both work with Devon County Council developing and delivering services for survivors - they are refreshingly radical and can see where current approaches aren’t working. We had a laugh, put the world to rights and were blessed with a pod of dolphins swimming off Berry Head. The rest of the day I walked on my own through stunning landscapes - I ran down hills whooping, saw wild horses, smelled the yummy gorse and ate wild garlic flowers, did some writing, watched the birds swooping around below me from heady heights and lay in the sun (yes it was even sunny some of the time). I think the point of surviving, at least in part, is to find joy, mess about and do what the fuck we like. We all know the struggly bits and it's important to keep it real about that because it really isn’t an easy journey. All the more reason to notice and celebrate the good bits innit xxx You can find out more about Restless here: https://www.vivgordon.com/restless And you can financially support the project and the work we do here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/vivgordonco Ok - I hold my hands up - turns out I’m a bit of a snob. I had all sorts of preconceived ideas about today’s walk and I wasn’t particularly looking forward to it. Today we walked from Babbacombe to Churston Ferrers just outside Brixton - another 18 mile stretch and my legs are complaining. I thought it would be all amusement arcades and chip vans and I was so wrong. The headland between Babbacombe and Torquay is incredible, then there is a bit of holiday hoo ha interspersed with beautiful beaches, coves, gardens and promenades. Sorry Torbay - it's not you, it's me - you’re lovely. It made me think about how we can think something’s gonna be one way and then it turns out another. Like conversations about abuse which we assume are going to be horrible and so often in my experience are just very beautiful, empowering and full of special surprises we could never predict.
On the yummy headland outside Babbacombe there is a cove called Daddyhole - I’d seen it on the ordnance survey map and it captured my imagination - read what you will into it - I’m still working it out. My dad was abusive so it's not rocket science… I sat for a while above it, it's inaccessible (more opportunities for analysis if that’s your bag) The name reminded me of “down the rabbit hole”. Lots of my life I’ve experienced distress, dissociation and dysmorphia - like Alice, my body has felt too big, too small and like I don’t fit anywhere - the world has felt incomprehensible and unnavigable. Sometimes I’ve felt I might drown in my own tears. Like Alice, I’ve self medicated with all sorts of things to try to manage all of that. That’s changing for me and activism helps - it's given me somewhere to channel my rage and brought me into community. My therapist sent me an article about post traumatic growth which I’m yet to read. I’ll report back. I do know that if we only try to support survivors by talking about mental health and what they can do to help themselves we are not getting to the heart of the issue - that abuse is wrong, society isolates and silences us, the justice system fails us, we face endless barriers to equal participation in life and the mental health system pathologises our distress and labels us as disordered, often with devastating consequences. Most of us never see anyone convicted for the crimes they have committed against us - my only chance of justice is social justice and fighting for that is gonna keep my tired, sore feet treading this path for as long as I am able. You can find out more about the project here: https://www.vivgordon.com/restless And you can financially support the project and the work we do here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/vivgordonco The first day of our Restless walk has taken us from Starcross to Torquay. For various reasons the predicted 13 mile walk became 18 rainy miles (oof) and my phone tells me we’ve climbed over 2000 feet - the height at which a hill becomes a mountain. There’s something fitting about that. Our theme this walk is moving out of isolation and into nurturing connection, community and belonging, something we can all resonate with after the last year. And as survivors - boy do we have a mountain to climb. Many adult child sex abuse survivors remain very isolated, unable to share their experiences even with their nearest and dearest. The stats speak for themselves - there’s 11 million of us in the UK but we don’t have the community, visibility or collective voice that you’d expect a marginalised population of such a vast size to have. Gaining that collective voice is vital if we want to shake things up culturally and change the barriers many of us face accessing support, education, healthcare and well….. EVERYTHING.
In June we’re coming back to Devon to do some participatory creative walking events for survivors so we’re meeting local organisations to help us connect with different groups who may like to join us. Today we started our walk with Tom from Active Devon and later met Mair from Doorstep Arts. They both joined in with our #MyLineInTheSand campaign - survivors and allies sharing words of connection and community to help draw a line under the silencing of survivors. Tom’s words were “Movement is Medicine” which resonated a lot with the choice we’re making this week to walk and walk and walk some more. It's Mental Health Awareness Week and yes being active and out in nature definitely supports my wellbeing but even more than that, being part of a movement to make change is great medicine for me. Mair’s word surprised even her - she chose the word “Fleet” and shared the image of different ships coming together on a mission, sharing direction, purpose and momentum, having each other’s backs. Please share your words too using the hashtag #MyLineInTheSand - let’s build this much needed community together whether we’re a survivor, know and love a survivor or just a nice person who wants to see change. You can write on anything - get your crayons/fridge magnets/embroidery out friends. So my feet hurt, I’m in quite a strange B&B (there’s a shower next to my bed in the actual room???), I’m tucking in to a beer and some chocolate, there are clothes drying everywhere and I’ve climbed a mountain today. I think it’s nearly time for bed zzzz Previous Restless walks have taken place along the Dorset & Somerset coast in 2018 & 2020 and we even released a song (She walks...) in November during lockdown last year. You can find out more about the project here: https://www.vivgordon.com/restless And you can financially support the project and the work we do here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/vivgordonco
I didn’t remember being abused until I was 29. At that time CSA was still incredibly taboo - I’d only ever heard 3 people talk about their experiences and it still felt like a big dirty secret. Even though abuse is never a child’s fault, we internalise the stigma, shame and guilt and go through life thinking there must be something wrong with us. A belief that is compounded by the mental health system that pathologises our distress and labels us as disordered.
The narratives around the experience are unhelpful - that it was a long time ago, that we should move on and get over it - all survivors know that we live with the impacts of abuse everyday. The icing on the cake is that most of us have no recourse to justice - there is no evidence to take anyone to court and even when there is, convictions are very rare. I spent a lot of time in therapy (I still do) unpicking what happened to me and how that has affected me, working out that none of it was my fault, forgiving myself for all the chaos I created as a young adult and recognising that all the things I thought were wrong with me, were just very normal responses to trauma. #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek #MHAWAlternativeMessage I became a childhood sexual abuse survivor ally by chance. Years ago, my friend and colleague, Viv Gordon, asked me to come and work on a show with her. We met in the courtyard at The British Library, she came across as intelligent, funny and a little intense. The project was a cartoonish, outdoor event. It was fun and silly, and to some extent it was just another job. At the end of those few days working in Somerset we chatted in the car on the way to the station about future projects.
Jump forward a few years and Viv’s on the phone asking if I remembered her telling me about a show she wanted to make called ‘I Am Joan’, her first attempt at making an autobiographical work about childhood sexual abuse, and I said “yeah, kind of”. I hadn’t and I should have. It was to be ground-breaking, shocking and seismic. I remember watching a series of scenes she had prepared, gripping my seat with anxiety about what she was about to reveal. What was I about to witness? I didn’t want to see it, I wanted to look away, I wanted to run away. She performed the words and the dances with a simplicity and charm that is the hallmark of what she is capable of as a performer and I found myself being able to look at the subject and its terrible consequences. Those early sessions were tough. Everyone was struggling to be at their best. We didn’t have the mental health safeguarding in place that would make the processes we were using possible for all of us. A breakthrough came when Viv explained that she knew none of us want to watch this material, its societal, no one wants to focus on it, we can’t bear to, it’s too horrific. Viv has an extraordinary knack of talking about childhood sexual abuse. She makes the subject acceptable, dragging it out of the shadows and into the light. She holds her audience as she takes them through the experience of watching the shows. Making allies of all of us. Viv trusts the material of the shows with a group of collaborators and I’m honoured to be part of that team. I don’t have a sexual abuse background so I’m an outsider. I need to remind myself to keep my judgements and my privilege in check. These aren’t my stories, these are the stories of some of the most difficult, harmful moments in people’s lives. I don’t take that lightly. I strive to listen with clarity and to treat the material with as much sensitivity as possible. I don’t always get that right, but together we learn and like any creative partnership trust grows over time. Ultimately our desire is that a survivor takes the reins of these projects but for now I’m grateful to be part of a team that brings these works into the world. Being in the audience at Viv’s performances is the most humbling experience. Her audience are made up of survivors, activists and theatre enthusiasts. People with a willingness to listen and engage. I’m aware of how difficult it is to attend one of the shows, whether you are a survivor or not. The events sometimes become like rallies, a valuable time for survivors to connect in an abuse culture where connection is denied. The aftershow Q and A’s are a time for people to add theirs to the growing chorus of voices refusing to be silenced. A time for me to shut up, listen and take inspiration for the work ahead. And so now I’m gradually learning to be a survivor ally. Trying to find the moments where my voice can be useful and when to stay quiet. One thing I know is that nobody wants to talk about abuse, why should we, even Viv doesn’t want to talk about it, but I also know that abuse thrives in a vacuum of silence. So, it is now my job too, dragging the subject into the conversation, with friends, with family, with colleagues and in my work (The shows I make myself now often have an acknowledgement of survivors). I will not always get it right, the Christmas dinner table is not the time to bring up child abuse - even if someone asks “how work is going?” But other times are, and my social circle now understand what I do at work and together we share the weight of that knowledge. Gradually they become part of the group of people that understands the scale and impact of the problem. Every time Viv and I work together I am reminded of the seat gripping anxiety I felt when I first saw the material she makes. Our audiences experience that anxiety when they attend the shows and that’s often in my mind. How can the shows talk directly and usefully about the subject of CSA? How can we find the balance of presenting an unflinching version of the truth, whilst keeping our audience safe from material that could be triggering and harmful? And ultimately, how can we make the world a better place for survivors and a place where abuse is less likely to happen? If Viv keeps trying to answer those questions in the form of her extraordinary arts projects, she may not find perfect answers, but she will create more and more allies along the way. I’m proud to name myself as one of them, and if you aren’t already, perhaps you could become one too?
No More Secrets - Challenging the silence around CSA
In the third podcast episode in this series of Survivor Conversations, Viv and Emma talk about all the great things that can happen when Survivors able to talk openly about our lived experiences. They discuss how it feels, to tell the truth and leave silence and shame behind. We all have secrets sometimes; there are the good ones we can’t wait to reveal, and then there are the bad ones when being found out is what we’re most afraid of. Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse means that we’re conditioned from a very early age to keep the abuse secret - sometimes because we’re told to, sometimes because we’re ashamed of it, and often because it feels like the things that happened to us were somehow our fault. Survivor Conversations is a podcast for hopeful, honest and purposeful conversations about surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse hosted by us. We intend to use the podcast to continue campaigning for voice, visibility and community for survivors, and each episode will feature survivor artists and activists discussing issues that matter to us including creativity, social justice and change. You can find the third episode above, by following this link, or on other sites like: Spotify, Breaker, Pocket Casts etc. Find out more about Restless and our new digital artwork She walks... here.
Be one of the first to hear and see our brand new track and animation She walks...
The launch will be taking place on Wednesday 25th November between 8pm - 9pm. We will be streaming live to YouTube where you can join the creative team, watch She walks... and ask us any questions you may have about the work. How do I watch? You can find the scheduled live YouTube video down below. Click 'get reminder' on the video if you're viewing this page in advance. Or watch it down below if you're arriving after the event. Watch directly on YouTube to see the live comments and ask us any questions you may have. Click play on the below video, or click here. View our YouTube channel here. How do I submit a question? You can submit a question in advance by filling in this form. Or you can ask them live via the 'comments' section on YouTube.
Trauma responses are normal responses - Challenging the silence around CSA
In the second podcast episode in this series of Survivor Conversations, Viv and Emma talk about some of the common challenges faced by survivors of CSA. Together they chat about trauma responses, trauma and memory. Survivor Conversations is a podcast for hopeful, honest and purposeful conversations about surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse hosted by us. We intend to use the podcast to continue campaigning for voice, visibility and community for survivors, and each episode will feature survivor artists and activists discussing issues that matter to us including creativity, social justice and change. You can find the second episode above, by following this link, or on other sites like: Spotify, Breaker, Pocket Casts etc. Find out more about Restless and the launch of new digital artwork She walks... here. |
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